Before you start to tell me “don’t feel that way” or other kind statements, please read this journal entry fully. I am rambling a bit, so please hang in there. Thank you for reading ❤
Please, dear reader, try not to judge. If you must judge me, try not to judge me too harshly.
My body is a mess. Sometimes I feel like I can ‘feel’ and ‘hear’ it failing. I need to lose weight and exercise for my health. Now, the 2 things I am wrong about in this area. I can talk all day long about how I hate how big my body is but there is no proof I feel that way deep inside. I mean, I ate 6 brownies today because my ugly voices were speaking to me. (Don’t fret. It is negative self-talk, not actual voices.) I do want to be healthier! My main reason to lose weight is NOT to be healthier. That is so wrong and I know it!! Being healthier is tied for first with looking better. O vanity thy name is Jackie!! To this day I am unable to start AND finish a plan to help me achieve a weight loss goal. I don’t stick with eating better. I have diabetes and high blood pressure and still don’t do it. I am morbidly obese. That should explain itself. Still, I sit all day (mostly) and read emails, play games, read articles, and learn a little at my laptop. As my body moans and groans with aches and pains and fatigue, I sit growing bigger. I do wonder what is wrong with me. The ‘why’ of me not doing things to help myself. I think I have a reason, but I will get to that later on.
09/19/2018 And back to the writing!!
My life is a mess. Now reader, what I am about to tell you might be shocking but don’t feel bad for me. J, my husband, has been working for years to find a second woman to add to the ‘family’. He believes he needs her and that she will be a good companion for me. So, what am I terribly wrong about here? I have wished J ill-will at times. I am ashamed of it but I have. I have hoped to be Abigail and him Nabal. Please find their story here. I have decided upon leaving him though God hates divorce. Separating would be the wisest decision. That is allowed. I digress. The ‘wrong’ for me was ever marrying him. Though there were no signs of this behavior while we were dating, I was not listening to God. I was doing my own thing my way. Look what happened!! He even fooled…my MOM. She loved him. First one ever. Again, digressing. Two things wrong here: I married him of my own accord and I was ‘just fine’ with his demise if God so chose to let him die.
I will try my best to summarize a little more. I have a really bad monkey mind or, if you are a fan of “UP”, I am Dug and am often seeing a squirrel 😀
I want to earn a degree but I don’t apply myself. I want to obtain a job but do not apply myself enough. I want a clean and organized home but I don’t work at it. And finally, there is M, the man who gently holds part of my heart.
Yes, I did THAT. After years and years of J being on chat lines talking to women, I decided I would meet people too. I talked to males and females. Joked. Became bored. Stayed away for a few days. Then, HE was there. M. It really did start innocently. Wrong wrong wrong because, no matter what J is doing, this is MY sin. MY cheating.
The simple solution would be to end everything with M. But if you have ever been in this situation, and I pray reader you have not the heart and brain battle. It’s not just my heart. Another is involved. And yes, he knows. He does not pressure me. He clearly wants me to make all of my own decisions. But you see where that gets me, right?!?
Why am I so wrong in so many areas of my life? Failing at so much? I have put God on a shelf. I see Him and talk to Him, but only when I want/need something. I know I have fallen into a deep pit and set up a home there. God is willing to help me out yet again. (Isn’t He amazing!!) I need to reach out and ask for help. I need to follow Him and Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit right out of that pit! They have helped before. I am grateful for Their undying love and unyielding grace.
Why then am I NOT doing this? My pit is well-decorated and so comfortable. Leaving is scary. Facing the truth is painful and scary. Giving up my blame of others and thousands of excuses are hard. It must be done though in order to regain that inner peace and joy that I have had so many times before.
Now you understand, dear reader, why I asked that you not judge me too harshly.
It needs to happen. I will pull off the Band-Aid of pit comfort and reach out to God, Lord Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. If you are willing, please pray for me reader.