Earning A Degree

If you don’t know, reader, I have been working on my vet tech degree for way too long. I feel the degree is a good one and will be useful. I love animals. So, it all fits!

But, what is my real passion? Writing!! So, follow my heart and passion? I will. I must finish the vet tech degree though. I have a very bad habit of not finishing what I start. This is how I will be breaking my habit of not stopping.

Wish me luck, reader ❤

Marriage: The Good and The Bad

October 28, 2018 1:17 am

Being married has been interesting. Are you married, reader? Have a partner? I’m the ‘old fashioned’ type. I like being married. Most of the time.

There are plenty of beautiful times. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Family gatherings. Date night. Vacations. Quiet evenings in. Celebrations. Better jobs. Better living quarters. Better car. Arrival of children. Holidays. Pets. More quiet moments that are quite treasured after a little bit of everything mentioned 😊

There are rough times. Losses of jobs, family, friends, homes, cars…all can happen and will test the strength of the people involved.  Financial worries. Difficulties. Arguments. Long nights. Doubts and fears.  Sometimes addictions come along and no matter what kind of addiction, it tears at the bonds of the marriage.

Holding the marriage together over time takes both people. Take the time to communicate. Take time to be alone together. Have fun together. Discuss life and the future. Be honest. Communication is often the key 😊

Fatigue

 October 27, 2018 at 5:17 PM

I am still fatigued. Is that the correct word? Oh, dear reader, let me consult a dictionary. Tired. I am tired. Daily. Almost all day. I have moments when I feel like I could tackle the world, but most of the time I feel tired. Or fatigued. Or weary. *sigh*

I have tried exercising. It does not seem to work. Okay, I feel good afterwards, but not for more than a few hours. Do I need to exercise again? Maybe.

I have tried making sure I drink plenty of water. I drink enough that when I urinate, I cannot tell by looking in the toilet. That is probably more about me than you ever wanted to know, but I am trying to draw a picture for you. No help there.

Keeping a sleep schedule is hard for me, but I have tried. In bed by 2am and up by 10am. Though I did follow the schedule for months, I was still tired. I don’t sleep well even with a schedule and that might be part of the reason.

Eating healthier has been a huge struggle for me as well. I cannot say I have tried very hard the last few months. I have huge cravings for sugar. Sweets and dairy are my food loves. I need to give it another try. Again, and again and again. Don’t quit! Even when I fall under the wagon and it runs me over, do not quit! Keep trying ❤

So, in comes the doctor. I ask him. He suggests that my CPAP machine needs adjusting on the pressure. If the air pressure is too high, I could have trouble sleeping. A sleep study is ordered. He also points out that my diabetes and obesity will contribute to feeling fatigued throughout the day. And, even when I do a workout in the morning, I need to be more active during the day.

Okay, so now that I have written to you dear reader I see what is wrong. I must work on fixing what I can fix. Be more active. Trade one unhealthy food for a healthy one. And get all the tests completed that the doctor has ordered. In about 3 months, let’s see if I am still fatigued all day every day.

Finding Happiness

Started October 26, 2018 at 5:19 AM

More stray thoughts

I was so excited when we first moved to Nevada. Yeah, it is Las Vegas, but in a quieter area called Sunmerlin. We are renting still, but it is a 1600+ square foot home with a back yard. And a garage.  Honestly, I am truly blessed. Having a home should not be a luxury, but it often is even here in the US. I digress though.

J is working. I am going to school. We have health insurance. I am looking for a job. Could it be going any better? In many ways, no.

Still, I am unhappy. Yes, I know I toted the idea of being blessed and I am blessed to have so many comforts. And, I AM.

Unhappy within myself from my surroundings. Not the home or car or back yard. Well, the back yard a little since it is sand and stones. And weeds that die from the heat before I need to kill them.

And there is that: the horrible heat. It is autumn and 82F will be the high today (the 27th). I have no family or friends here. I miss his family and my family. There is nothing to do here! No zoos. Aquariums. Parks. Nothing that I enjoy.

J is not happy either.

Now, we are starting to talk about moving, again. Maybe to a different area within Nevada. Maybe back to the west coast. Or, if I can get this to work out, near my family ❤

I honestly want my final home. I place to cherish and build a life with family and friends that visit 😊 Not the building itself, but a place that is a refuge from the world and a lovely place to gather. Grow roots. A place filled with heart and happiness. And no more moving.

So, the next place might be it. Fingers crossed. And everything else will fall into place.

Dear God, Lord Jesus, and Holy Spirit: please, if it be your will, let it be. I want and need the comfort of family and friends in a happy setting that brings extra joy to my heart. AMEN

 

And in the box there was…

Started October 23, 2018 at 6:59 PM

I have so many thoughts whizzing through my head right now. Some many topics I want to explore. Let’s go.

 

I found letters to myself in a portable folder file that I finally looked through. (We moved in February; it is now late October.)  The letters were very similar. The sadness I was feeling at the time would go away. My life would never be the same again, but I would be okay. Trust in God, Lord Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. THEY alone have the power to lift me up and take care of all my worries and give me peace and happiness. No one died. Can you guess what was (and still is!) happening? I nearly cried seeing how long I have been plagued by this same issue and have fallen away from God. It hurt to know I keep following the same pattern. I was happy to know that deep inside I know that there is a solution. My Healers are with me all the time! I need only to turn to Them ❤

In that same file folder were magnets that I thought had been lost. Refrigerator magnets. Nothing special, but I am glad I found them 😊

So many pages and even notepads filled with veterinary tech school notes. I felt bad that I have put it on the back burner and lost interest for the most part. I looked at how excited I was to finally be going to school and finishing *something*. Somehow, I need to renew that enthusiasm. I need to finish school.

Note cards, exercise DVDs, and a few pictures round out all  the fabulous finds. I should keep looking through boxes. Who knows what I will find!!

Thanksgiving

Hello Reader,

I needed to make a quick post to share my excitement. I am going to see my family for Thanksgiving!! 

I have not seen them for about 3 years. I am so excited I want to tell the world. I cannot yet though because I don’t have the plane tickets. I WILL though. 

I want to squeal and laugh and cry all at the same time. I cannot explain the depth of my happiness. 

I am GRATEFUL for the opportunity! Thank You God and Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit. 

Floating on a cloud,

j

More medical stuff

Today is Friday, September 28, 2018

A great day so far! Up a little early for me in order to make a 10 am blood draw. I am thankful for insurance! The lipid panel is $155 by itself! I might receive a bill from Quest labs, but it will not exceed $69.40. That is an odd number for certain 🙂 Okay, technically it is an even number. I guess it would be better to type it is a strange number for certain 😀 

After the blood draw, I headed over to get an x-ray of my left wrist. I have pain continuously. No injury. I have been previously diagnosed with carpal tunnel in both wrists. My current doctor wants to see if it is carpal tunnel, psoriatic arthritis, or something else, or maybe even both. What an adventure! Three films of my wrist. Cannot wait to learn what is going on there. And added to the mix is the fact that I am left handed. 

Knowing is not scary for me. Knowing what is going on means the issue can be fixed or at least helped. Again, like the last post, dear reader, I would have some relief. I am searching for a solid way to receive some relief. 

Whatever it is, I am blessed to have the means to take the tests, obtain results, and finally plan a course of action. I couldn’t ask for more 🙂 Thank You God and Lord Jesus for providing me with so much ❤ 

Pain pain go away

Chronic pain is…well, a pain. No one wants to be in pain. At least not the people I know.

I have heard that pain lets you know you are alive. Well, I am going to be alive forever if pain ‘speaks’ in terms of time. I will be in good company. I know quite a few people with chronic pain. 

I try resting. Medicating. Exercise. Quiet time. Praying. A combination of all of these at times. Sometimes, there is a tiny bit of relief. Relief is so wonderful that I smile like all the pain is gone when I do get relief. Relief is small though and temporary. 

So what is next? Dear reader, I do not know. I only know that I must keep going and doing even with the pain. Until I cannot. Then I take a break. 

When I go to the doctor on October 5th, I will learn what the doctor thinks I need to do next. 

May you be pain free or find enough relief to be you and do what you need to do ❤ 

 

Feeling Like I Had A Split Personality

Thursday (09/13/2018) evening and night was a time of many thoughts and feelings. My husband had all of the classic signs of having or nearly having a heart attack. And for the first time in a long time, he was willing to go to urgent care. In fact, he requested urgent care. Since his condition was so serious, I was hoping for ER, but he wanted urgent care so that is where he went. He was taken into an exam room rather quickly. Examined. An ECG was done. There were no signs of a heart attack. Still, he was having pressure and pain, numbness and tingling, and trouble breathing in a rhythmic pattern. He called them peaks and valleys. With that information, he was given 4 baby aspirins to chew and an order to get to the ER. So, off we went.

While waiting for blood work and x-rays to come through, I prayed. I did pray all would be well. I also told God that if J died that would be okay too. I was amazed I could feel this way even after the years of mental and emotional abuse. To think it is okay that someone dies is horrible. I felt horrible immediately. I prayed more.

I talked to J while waiting for results. At times, his heart rate went to over 150. Alarms sounded. The machine went from a white blinking alarm with low noise to a blue alarm with a louder noise and finally a red alarm with a noise that hurt my ears. J was still having all of the same symptoms in cycles. Peaks and valleys. And I prayed. I prayed for my strength as well as calmness and limited pain if any for J.

Then my evil self again let God know that if J died, that was okay too. I did add “whatever Your will is, God” but I still felt horrible that any negative thought had passed through my head.

More talking. More peaks and valleys. More praying. No more negative thoughts. Calmness within me. Waiting.

And finally, the doctor is able to tell us it is not J’s heart. I am thankful. J is thankful. High levels of stress and anxiety are the answer we are given. Go see your doctor and get a stress test. Apparently, stress can kill you. Or, at least make you feel like you are dying.

We are going home. J is going to rest. I might rest. I think about my previous thoughts and cringe. Who have I become? I keep asking God to forgive me. Surely He already has. I cannot help but keep asking. 

So I felt like I was two different people or had 2 different personalities. I prayed for J’s well-being and also welcomed his death. In that moment. And I wonder if I am part monster. Or evil. And pray that I am neither.

 

I Am Wrong. Terribly terribly wrong

Dear Reader,

Before you start to tell me “don’t feel that way” or other kind statements, please read this journal entry fully.  I am rambling a bit, so please hang in there. Thank you for reading ❤

Please, dear reader, try not to judge. If you must judge me, try not to judge me too harshly.

My body is a mess. Sometimes I feel like I can ‘feel’ and ‘hear’ it failing.  I need to lose weight and exercise for my health. Now, the 2 things I am wrong about in this area. I can talk all day long about how I hate how big my body is but there is no proof I feel that way deep inside. I mean, I ate 6 brownies today because my ugly voices were speaking to me. (Don’t fret. It is negative self-talk, not actual voices.) I do want to be healthier! My main reason to lose weight is NOT to be healthier. That is so wrong and I know it!! Being healthier is tied for first with looking better. O vanity thy name is Jackie!! To this day I am unable to start AND finish a plan to help me achieve a weight loss goal. I don’t stick with eating better. I have diabetes and high blood pressure and still don’t do it. I am morbidly obese. That should explain itself. Still, I sit all day (mostly) and read emails, play games, read articles, and learn a little at my laptop. As my body moans and groans with aches and pains and fatigue, I sit growing bigger. I do wonder what is wrong with me. The ‘why’ of me not doing things to help myself. I think I have a reason, but I will get to that later on.

09/19/2018 And back to the writing!!

My life is a mess. Now reader, what I am about to tell you might be shocking but don’t feel bad for me. J, my husband, has been working for years to find a second woman to add to the ‘family’. He believes he needs her and that she will be a good companion for me. So, what am I terribly wrong about here? I have wished J ill-will at times. I am ashamed of it but I have. I have hoped to be Abigail and him Nabal. Please find their story here. I have decided upon leaving him though God hates divorce. Separating would be the wisest decision. That is allowed. I digress. The ‘wrong’ for me was ever marrying him. Though there were no signs of this behavior while we were dating, I was not listening to God. I was doing my own thing my way. Look what happened!! He even fooled…my MOM. She loved him. First one ever. Again, digressing. Two things wrong here: I married him of my own accord and I was ‘just fine’ with his demise if God so chose to let him die. 

I will try my best to summarize a little more. I have a really bad monkey mind or, if you are a fan of “UP”, I am Dug and am often seeing a squirrel 😀 

I want to earn a degree but I don’t apply myself. I want to obtain a job but do not apply myself enough. I want a clean and organized home but I don’t work at it. And finally, there is M, the man who gently holds part of my heart.

Yes, I did THAT. After years and years of J being on chat lines talking to women, I decided I would meet people too. I talked to males and females. Joked. Became bored. Stayed away for a few days. Then, HE was there. M. It really did start innocently. Wrong wrong wrong because, no matter what J is doing, this is MY sin. MY cheating.

The simple solution would be to end everything with M. But if you have ever been in this situation, and I pray reader you have not the heart and brain battle. It’s not just my heart. Another is involved. And yes, he knows. He does not pressure me. He clearly wants me to make all of my own decisions. But you see where that gets me, right?!?

Why am I so wrong in so many areas of my life? Failing at so much? I have put God on a shelf. I see Him and talk to Him,  but only when I want/need something. I know I have fallen into a deep pit and set up a home there. God is willing to help me out yet again. (Isn’t He amazing!!) I need to reach out and ask for help. I need to follow Him and Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit right out of that pit! They have helped before. I am grateful for Their undying love and unyielding grace.

Why then am I NOT doing this? My pit is well-decorated and so comfortable. Leaving is scary. Facing the truth is painful and scary. Giving up my blame of others and thousands of excuses are hard. It must be done though in order to regain that inner peace and joy that I have had so many times before.

Now you understand, dear reader, why I asked that you not judge me too harshly.

It needs to happen. I will pull off the Band-Aid of pit comfort and reach out to God, Lord Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. If you are willing, please pray for me reader.